Why Parent?? What is the purpose?

This question has continually crossed my mind as I have thought more about eventually creating a future family with my future spouse. And it can often be daunting to think about this critical role. However, though I have not yet experienced parenting for myself, I have been a witness of how my parents have parented me and of other parental figures around me growing up. And it has been an eye opening experience to witness their efforts along with learning more about how one may improve addressing the needs of their child. As you read ahead, I will share some key ideas with you that I have found very eye opening.

So, what IS the purpose of parenting?

I have learned that parenting truly IS a sacred opportunity and that we CHOOSE to walk on "sacred ground" in a sense as we do so. I know that parenting is a process of "trial and error" and that many will question themselves and constantly be looking for ways to do it "perfectly right." But as we all eventually realize, a "perfect parent" does not exist (I know that's CRAZY right??! haha). And sadly, many parents (including my own) will fall into a trap of thinking "I am a terrible parent" or "my kids never listen to me, so I don't know why I even try anymore" etc.

Michael Popkin's, a well-know researcher within parenting, shared this idea:"The purposes of parenting are to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they live."

I really like the way he words this. The biggest role of a parent is to prepare and help their child to not only survive in the world, but to THRIVE. And what a beautiful opportunity that is.

A statement from a parenting article I read said: "Nobody knows what they're doing when they leave the hospital with an infant. Every parent learns by trial and error." Did you hear that?? If you are thinking you are the ONLY one that doesn't know what you're doing as a parent, think again! You are not meant to know everything the day your baby comes home from the hospital. You learn and grow through the experience along with your child, and that is what makes this vital relationship so beautifully intimate.

Choose to start with the END in mind.

Here is something I thought was interesting. Popkin's introduces five needs that a child (human) has and what "mistaken approach" is often expressed by the child as a result of that need. He also shares "parental response" ideas that a parent may implement to best respond most effectively to these needs.

One of Popkin's parenting models:

A child's need, mistaken approach, and parental response:

1) Need: Contact/belonging, Mistaken approach: Undue attention seeking, Parental response: Offer contact freely, teach to contribute, helping should never be a punishment.

2) Need: Power, Mistaken approach: rebellion, Parental response: Choices and consequences, response ability, kids need to learn the consequences of choices in order to effectively develop.

3) Need: Protection, Mistaken approach: revenge, Parental response: Assertiveness and forgiveness (both taught by example).

4) Need: Withdrawal, Mistaken approach: loss of effort, Parental response: Working along side with the child, need for a break and then come back at it again.

5) Need: Challenge, Mistaken approach: Acting out, Parental response: skill building. Ex: Guitar, difficult math etc.

As you view each of these needs, mistaken approaches, and parental response ideas, what are your initial thoughts? Is it comforting to see that your child's behavior has a more in depth reason behind it? And what would happen if you chose to apply certain "parental responses" in order to better address your child's needs?

We learn that a child's brain doesn't fully develop without experiencing natural consequences and learning the "ability" to respond effectively. We often forget that emotional maturity/intelligence begins its development from even the earliest stages in a child's life. When you become more aware of their deeper NEEDS rather than just observing their decided behavior, you will better understand how to respond more effectively. And their needs WILL be met.

In my class, my professor asked us to think of one of the most valuable lessons we had ever learned as a child. And then proceeded to ask if it was because of "punishment" or "natural consequence?" And what was interesting is that most everyone in the class agreed, that it was because of natural consequence that they learned from the experience. And, not surprisingly, that pattern continues on into adulthood. We learn BEST from natural consequence.

A man named John Stroberg stated "You can NEVER get enough of what you don't need, because what you don't need cannot satisfy you."

^^This hold true within ALL stages of human development. A "need" is often easy to confuse with a "want." This goes for children, teens and adults alike. When we fail to respond to our TRUE needs and instead, continue seeking to satisfy our wants, we will never be satisfied. And that is where we may choose to see BEYOND behavior (within ourselves and our children) and address the actual need. By doing so, we will see more effective communication and greater satisfaction within the entire family unit for all family members. And though our parenting experience will not be perfect, we will find a more fulfilling purpose and opportunity in raising our children.