Family Crisis comes to ALL families: How will you face it?

What does the word "crisis" mean to you? Have you ever experienced it? And if so, what was it like?

Every family at one point or another encounters crisis. It is a part of life. And we often experience day to day stressors that may even "pileup" and create a crisis. However, knowing that crisis IS a part of life and that it IS normal... how are we going to face it? The choice we make individually, and as a family, in response to crisis can have a long lasting impact on our happiness and success as a family.

What is interesting, however, is that many people don't understand the opportunity that is available in a 'crisis' situations. There are patterns of natural and "automatic responses" that occur in a family because of influences, habit and past experiences. My professor explained, "Most people never learn to change their thoughts on purpose. I choose and control what I think, and then my body responds to it. It is practice for eternity." Mindfulness along with other helpful tools can really improve the way we respond to stress and crisis situations. And I will share a few examples:

ABCX Model: Stress and Crisis in the Family

A) Actual Event: The stressor event and the hardship it produces.

B) Both resources and response: The management of stress through coping resources that the family has and HOW we apply those resources (Not everyone applies them in the same way, even if they have access to the same ones).

C) Cognitions/perception: The families definition of the event- The way the stressful situation is defined. Ex: my world view. Anything I define as "danger" (my perception) brings about a certain response.

X= The crisis/experience

This is called the ABCX model. It visually represents what may influence the way a family responds to a stressor or crisis event. When crisis occurs, the "old" family structure thats existed just won't make it. It needs to be changed in order for it to survive. And that is why many families struggle OVER and OVER again when experiencing crisis. They haven't "revamped" or changed their family structure/culture in order to adapt to new unexpected circumstances and events.

Stressors: A "crisis" consists of many stressors. Stressors can arise within or outside the family. And the same stressor may affect different people in different ways. I learned that a"stressor events can bring about family crisis. The context in which the event occurs, the way that the family defines the event, and the resources the family has for dealing with it are crucial to the outcome."

A Personal example I saw of a "family crisis": The Nelson Family in Thatcher, Arizona. While serving my mission about a year ago, I witnessed a family in crisis. They lost their 15 yr old son Kade to a terrible car accident while he was on a school trip (a few other students died as well). This could've easily been viewed as a disaster. Thatcher is a very close knit and small community, so it had a large impact on a lot of families in the area. But SO much support was given to these families and it was incredible to witness and be a part of. However, what amazed me the MOST was the response I observed from both the parents and siblings of Kade. They focused in on the joy of the plan of happiness and turned outward to share the gospel. That DIDN'T mean that they didn't feel any pain. But instead they chose to let this experience refine and bring their family closer together rather than farther apart. And I believe that their response is what impacted the community the most.

In other words: Their perception of their crisis influenced the outcome.

Family member's level of maturity: Every family member copes and perceives crisis differently.

Level 1) highest maturity/ member has grown

Level 2) Same level as before/ member has coped

Level 3) Lower level/ member has long term negative reaction

It is important to understand how to cope with the many challenges we experience individually and as a family. However, it is also important to remember that it IS possible "unlearn" old mindsets and patterns we create for ourselves. Each person copes differently, but being aware of ineffective vs effective coping patterns will greatly enhance our efforts and increase our understanding.

Ineffective coping patterns: A pattern that doesn't typically yield long-term constructive outcomes.

a) Denial: defense mechanism.

b) Avoidance: They avoid confronting and dealing with a problem even when they acknowledge it exists.

c) Scapegoating: Finding someone or something to blame.

Do you see any patterns in your own family? I'm sure this has been a question for many people: HOW do I improve the way I, and my family, cope with life's challenges? Here are some ideas to consider:

Tools for effective coping:

a) Take responsibility: Don't play the victim game.

b) Affirm your own families worth: Believe in yourself and your family that you have strengths and can cope effectively.

c) Balance self-concern with other-concern: Don't be self absorbed and forget your family. Find balance.

d) Learn the art of reframing: redefine the meaning of something or a situation. It is not denial. But it is a change in perception to help you view and feel differently about the situation.

e) Find and use available resources: Family members themselves are internal resources, as well as: religious beliefs, books, friends, getting info from professional help etc

"The family that has developed strengths is a resilient family."

I know that my family has struggled with this. A crisis can deeply MAGNIFY the relationships and connections in a family. "Indeed, the very MEANING of effective coping is that the individual will achieve a new level of maturity and that the family will attain a new level of intimacy." Crisis is truly meant to bring new depth into our lives, and a closeness/bond to those we love. That just depends on whether or not we cope effectively, and are aware of our individual and family perceptions.

A valuable quote from Mark Twain says: " I have suffered many catastrophes in my life, most of which never occurred." We get to CHOOSE what we think, and that determines how we feel. And often WE are the ones who create our own fears and anxieties. Life is a challenge, but with the right mindset and tools there can be JOY in the journey. And our families can choose to grow under crisis and change for the better because of it.