In my family, we (as siblings) can all fully agree: Mom's the "bad cop" and dad's the "good cop." We all know who we should turn to in certain situations if we want avoid certain wrath haha. We can also agree that "Dad does Sunday dishes," "Don't ever sleep in mom and dad's bed!," "the adult "kids" are old enough to make decisions for themselves," and "HIDE when Saturday jobs are done because mom will GLADLY give you more!!" etc. There are A LOT of unspoken rules that exist in my family. In fact, EVERY family unit has a rule-governed system whether they realize it or not. What are some of YOUR unspoken family rules?? And something to think about, however, is if these "correct" rules are consistent and CLEARLY communicated to all members of the family unit? Do you know your family "rules?"
When I think about this, it honestly seems like MAGIC that a family unit (which is truly complex yet truly beautiful) once combined produces an entity: "a whole that is GREATER than the sum of its parts" (Smith et al., p. 20). That is how a FAMILY represents a so called "system." The family organization offers important information about its "consistent or repetitive interactive patterns." And it's crucial that we take notice of those patterns in order to better understand what is going well and maybe not so well. I never fully realized how much DEPTH there is to observe within a family.
Something I want you to ponder is the question, "How well is my family system working?"
A big take away message for me this week is this: Since family can be viewed as a system, or what social science would call, a "Family System,"it has been broken down into a few specifics that we can analyze.
Here are a few of these specifics/interesting observations that can be studied within the family system. Every family has:
-Rules (mostly unspoken): How we govern ourselves. We operate by rules sometimes even unconsciously. Many have been ingrained into our pattern of living because of our current environment and the overall family experience.
-Specific roles: Every member of the family plays a "role," and the roles that each person plays will keep the family the way it is. (Is anyone else a middle child?? if so, you know how it is! haha)
-Subsystems: Smaller systems within the large system. So pretty much sibling relationships, the mom to dad and dad to mom relationship, dad to son, daughter to mom etc. Any of those smaller connections within the larger whole of the family.
-Boundaries: the "lines" that are drawn within the family. Who is allowed where, what is allowed to be said, mom and dad keep certain topics to themselves that are not to be discussed with the kids, etc. However, boundaries are NOT the same in every family and can look very different. You can have rigid boundaries, unclear boundaries and clear boundaries. But all immensely impact the structure and dynamics of the family.
Let's just say that EVERY family is unique and "one of a kind." Not one is the same. And that is why it is SO difficult to do REAL and accurate research within social science. There are SO many variables that you can't control or use to explain "THE families all around the world." That just doesn't work.
SO.........that is why "theories" are a thing! They help to bring new perspective, predict phenomena (events, experiences, and patterns) in families. And that can help us better understand WHY certain family dynamics may be occurring the way they do and WHAT may be the deeper cause of them.
My favorite definition of the family is this: "Families are living, ongoing entities, organized wholes with members in continuous, interactive, patterned relationship with one another extending over time and space" (what a intelligent sounding definition to describe a family!!). They EVOLVE. They ADAPT. They CHANGE over time. And that is why it is so interesting to observe family dynamics in any setting we're in. They are NEVER the same! Which is SO incredible!
Just the idea of a looking at a family as a "system" is such a fascinating thing for me. Something I have come to understand about my own family is that we have both solid and poor dynamics within it. I would say that we have mostly clear boundaries, pretty solid rules, and each member of the family plays a significant role. However, like all families do, we experience regular conflict, confusion and challenging misunderstandings in our day to day life. But that is okay. And that IS normal. That is when I like to focus on what ways we could IMPROVE that way we function. And that is why a family is described as an "ongoing entity." It is MEANT for growth and change.
One other powerful idea I learned: Family stability is actually ROOTED in change. So don't give up if you feel like your current family dynamics are negative and seem "stuck." You do YOUR part to improve your family life and others will follow. It is a beautiful and fulfilling process. Family is not just the "chore" that some people say it is. There is beauty in conflict. And there is so much JOY to be experienced in developing those core relationships that are key to your wellbeing in life.
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