Fear. More than anything, fear creates uncertainty and stress. It is the cause for many to doubt, to give up, to find the instant negative of a situation etc. It is prophesied in the scriptures that "men's hearts would fail them" and that "the love of many would wax cold" in the coming day. And that day is now.
When fear is involved, divorce is more common.
An interesting study claimed: Most people who divorce, regret it.
In the study, they had them take a survey rating their Marriage using these terms:
-Very satisfied, satisfied, neutral, unsatisfied, and very unsatisfied.
-70% of people two years AFTER the divorce say that they "could have" or "should have" saved the marriage.
#1 reason for divorce is selfishness. But that is not to say that in some cases there are factors of selfishness that are unhealthy, and dangerous. But it is chosen selfishness that with-holds both people from extending themselves in a way to truly serve and love the other person. That is what creates love. And when that is missing, the entire connection is gone. However, that vulnerable action takes full intention and work. Selfishness is the more natural tendency and often the "easier" option.
#1 reason for young adult divorce:
"It's not fun like we thought it was going to be" and that they were not prepared for it to be difficult.
It has been interesting to see the current trend, especially as I attend BYU Idaho, on both marriage and divorce rates. My 25 yr old sister says it has been shocking to see many of her peers getting divorces, while I am in the stage (at 21 yrs old) of engagements, many marriages and even new beginnings of young families. There are common waves that occur within different age groups. And what is most interesting, is what you will observe in the graph below:
Divorce in America commonly happens from years 2 to 5 of being married. This isn't just for women, but also for men. And that is because within the first 2 to 5 years of marriage, there are many abrupt or big adjustments that the couple needs to make. One of the most common is when children are born into the family. That creates peaks within the marriage, but may also create distance between the couple. Other problems may be finances, stress of a new job, getting used to "making decisions together" etc.
However, don't loose hope!! Further studies have shown that 70% of marriages commonly get BETTER after those first 5 years! There is a "hump" that you must push through.
We learn that marriage is HARD by design. Good marriage is unnatural. It is SUPER natural, "approaching the divine" or "closer to godliness" as my professor would say.
My professor shared this:
"In marriage, you're either going backwards or forwards. Left to its own devices (without intention) it WILL fail." There is much intentional effort that is required in order to not only sustain and survive, but to thrive in a marriage. However, that does not mean that it is perfect. It is a "work in progress."
- Expecting an "instant" family to form.
- "I knew him/her first" mentality.
- Equilibrium of the remarriage
- Willingness to "work at" being married.
- Roles towards step siblings are unclear.
- The uncertainty may raise the level of anxiety for the family members.
- Coparenting.
- Legal ties.
My overall takeaway: You are trying to mesh two families that have TOTALLY different structures and dynamics. That is a challenge in itself. There are many factors that come to play even when two people come together to form a marriage! Let alone two fully formed families! It takes much time, effort and intention to connect two families. However, here is something to remember: It takes 2 yrs to reach a sense of "normalcy." When children are involved, the dynamics are a lot messier and more complex. So be patient in the process. It is normal when it is messy and imperfect. It will take time.
One other idea that is interesting:
Children of divorced parents tend to have LESS confidence/security about getting married themselves. Especially with parents who's reason fro divorce was NOT obvious, but ambivalent. Is that a surprise to you at all?
Every family looks different, and that is okay. It may be harder to relate most "family" information when your family is not the "traditional" family, but one that has experienced a divorce or a blend of families. That is why we must choose to be thoughtful and intentional in what we do. That doesn't mean life will be easier, but it will be so much better. And even when your family feels 'broken', you can experience a greater change. You will find both hope and confidence in the future as you actively seek for greater love and connection. You must trust God, and go on.
Comments
Post a Comment