There is a "spiritual demension" in marital relationship. "By divine design healthy sexuality is defined as a 'spiritual experience' symbolizing ONENESS." It is the ULTIMATE physical expression of one man and one women. One of my favorite descriptions is from Elder Holland when he says: "They are as nearly and as literally "one" as two separate physical bodies can ever be." In Genesis 2:24, God invites Adam and Eve to fulfill the commandment (which has become a living symbol for many married couples) to cleave unto one another only, and thus become "one flesh." However, this idea is commonly misunderstood and overlooked within many marital and intimate relationships that exist today. And I have come to understand that it is for multiple reasons I will further describe to you in this article:
It is interesting to observe the worldly patterns that have progressed in society over the years. There is a huge sexual influence that has steadily increased creating many challenges and unfulfilled marriages. In my reading I learned this interesting point: "To raise the bar on the intimate relationships in our marriages, couples need to know what healthy sexual relationships are if they want to create a 'sextraordinary marriage'."
It is true that most people (especially within teen years) are not being properly educated in this vital area. It is a topic that can be uncomfortable to discuss and may often be viewed as unimportant by many in today's society. Most learning tend to come from the 'flashy' and often sexual media as well as common family trends that promote certain behaviors.
In the media, sex is commonly portrayed as an "animal thing" that happens. With this description, both individuals become objects to satisfy the "lustful and carnal needs" of the body. A sacred and intimate experience completely loses the emotional and divine connection between two people in that action when this occurs. And sadly, most couples have had negative experiences with it. Sex has become more of a "duty" than anything else, especially for many women. If you were to ask a married individual: How would you rate a good sex life? I learned from my reading that "most Americans would say that it is VERY important....However, sex is NOT among the top 10 reasons people give for a satisfying, long-term marriage. The point is, sex itself is unlikely to either break up a marriage or keep it together...The relationship between sex and marriage is not a simple one."
One of the biggest problems is that we have SO much access to the "fake" stuff, the real stuff doesn't do it for us anymore. Many have a 'false reality' of what a marriage and specifically an intimate relationship is supposed to look like. That is greatly because of the media and education that we receive. "The tendency of much current literature is to focus on the PROCESS of sexual behavior and to neglect the social and spiritual consequences of improper behavior." Deep damage is done when we fail to understand the real consequences that lurk behind improper behavior. Another talk that I read by Elder Holland, which I believe explained this idea very well, said: "Satan would like us to believe that we should abandon our "dull" routines and SEEK out dramatic gestures of romance, even if that means looking outside our home. He wants us to believe that life's petty responsibilities are impeding desire and love. He wants us to believe that EVERY marriage should be like a Shakespearean love story, never asking us to imagine Romeo and Juliet dealing with household clutter, unpaid bills and crying children." This brings up a very valuable perspective that most of us don't think about or realize. And may be a reason why most people feel negatively about marriage and intimacy.
Let me explain a gist of the process and experience of marital intimacy:
Men and women are NOT the same. They were not MEANT to be the same. Within the intimate experience a closely "binding" connection is made, creating deep feelings of warmth, safety and closeness between the man and the women. However, both experience different types of sexual and emotional arousal within the same experience. Men tend to initiate and express interest in sex. It is easier for men to experience the "climax" of the experience quickly and it takes longer for women. There are three different stages (terms are similar on graph). They are: 1) Arousal (excitement) 2) Plateau and 3) The climax (orgasm). As you look at this diagram you can see the common male and female differences that take place in the intimate experience. It often takes longer for the women to experience the "orgasm" stage and it is often that they never leave the "plateau" stage. So there is a "give and take" and lots of communication that is needed in order for both partners to be satisfied.
Within this process there are also certain chemicals involved: serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin. Each play a significant role in the experience for both the male and female. Seratonin is a "calming" chemical, dopamine is the "wahooo!" (happy) chemical, and oxytocin is the "bonding" chemical which is greatly experienced by the women very early in the relationship (brings a feeling of close attachment).
**What are the natural outcomes between these natural differences in the women and man?
What naturally occurs:
Challenges connecting,"imbalance", lack of satisfaction, frustration, not present.
What 'Super' Naturally can occur: Lots of openness and communication, understand specifically the partners needs, what is comfortable?, thoughtful cooperation, unselfishness (opportunity to be attune to each other), Give and Take, and be present in the moment.
Overall, an equal and a more "balanced" effort is needed between husband and wife.
One of the greatest take aways that I received this week was something my professor explained to us. He told us about an experience he had, in a marriage therapy session, when he talked with a young couple about how to approach their intimate experience. He said, "I suggested that they treat it (intimacy) as the most beautiful most wonderful gift, not all "unwrapped" in one night. It may take time. It is not a race, but you learn to gently and physically love each other along the way and do things that feel safe." And I believe that was such a profound way to describe it. If we can seek to remember the deep bond and satisfaction that can exist within a marriage, we will then be able to realize and better understand the "real" meaning of the phrase "one flesh."
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