To quote one of my ALL time favorite movies: “I used to think a wedding was a simple affair. Boy and girl meet, they fall in love, he buys a ring, she buys a dress, they say I do. I was wrong. That’s getting married. A wedding is an entirely different proposition" (Father of the Bride). This week was a total reminder of this movie that I've seen countless times. I have learned that there is SO much more that goes into getting married. Although, in the movie, we are focused on the elaborate "wedding" event, in reality it truly IS an "entirely different proposition" (to quote my friend Steve Martin). Marriage is not a ONE time event. And that's when many people will often pose the questions: "What makes a GOOD wedding? And a GOOD marriage??
When you think about it, marriage is really TWO marriages. HIS marriage, and HER marriage. Both individuals have unique perspectives, cultures, backgrounds, family dynamic experiences etc. And these differences are capable of forming a very beautiful, real and significant relationship. But there is much to take into consideration when deciding to further engage in a courting relationship and choosing to marry. These are ideas that will help you become more aware and intentional as you may embark on this journey.
I never truly realized the depth that exists within this "transition period" into marriage. You enter into an entirely different REALM (social world) when you get married. There are 1) New responsibilities, 2) new options (child bearing), and 3) new relationships (such as in-laws). There are many adjustments to be made (especially within the first year of marriage). And when "getting married" there are specific variables involved in creating the marriage:
1) Type of Marriage, 2) Various expectations when we marry, and 3) The meaning of "commitment" aka the quality of married life. Each look very different for every couple and play important roles. But for just a moment, let me focus on the "expectation" variable.
We tend to have both "spoken" and "unspoken" expectations when entering into a marriage. And that is a normal part of our human nature. We almost EXPECT things to go a certain way with the idea that everyone else around us does it in THAT way as we do. However, since we don't live in a "perfect world," that is not always the case. Expectations that are communicated openly and set correctly BEFORE marriage will save a couple from many "clashing" expectations that may occur later. However, "even if your expectations are all realistic, it DOESN'T mean that your marriage will be FREE of problems...you may have realistic expectations, but they may be incompatible with each other. Unfortunately sometimes we don't communicate what we expect until AFTER we are married" (Lauer and Lauer). Ex: Mutually making the decision on when to settle down and to start a family. A husband may feel that his wife should, in time, sacrifice her career to bear children. But the wife may feel "forced" into that role because her expectations were different on WHEN that time would happen. Both sides had "unspoken expectations" that were not discussed but were "assumed" and both had a belief there was (at one time) an agreement on the matter. And that is when "negotiation" steps in. In order for expectations to function properly BOTH must become "joint knowledge" between the couple. And that is why many couples seek to CLARIFY expectations through an "informal" or even "formal" (legal) contract. The "informal contract" is open to negotiation at continuing points in time, and creates an ONGOING development of intimacy within the marriage. A marriage does evolve over time.
Another variable I want to focus on is "commitment." Commitment is a LIVING part of marriage. It is a determination to work through troubled times. Commitment GROWS as satisfaction in marriage increases. And that commitment builds trust. Something that has been studied is that "when you trust somebody, you often feel more ATTACHED to them." And that can be both a positive and negative thing. Many people experience this "attachment" feeling very early on in the relationship. The physical closeness that may occur in each stage of the relationship is a big part of that. And that is why confusion may occur when an individual assumes that the "attachment" feeling means they have made a mutual "commitment" to one another.
Both of these variables bring us to the question: Why do people marry?? This is interesting to think about because it may vary greatly from person to person. But here are some reasons I discovered in my reading:
1) The need for intimacy
2) Social expectations
3) Social ideals and personal fulfillment
4) Desire for children
5) Marriage as a practical solution
Each one of these reason may very well predict the course of a couple's marriage. And each will build a different type of relationship and experience. However, no marriage is perfect. No marriage is the same and each is unique. Remember that!
Overall, I really liked the way my professor stated his opinion on the matter. He said, "I think one of the biggest reasons we fall in love with someone is because we love who WE are around them."And the fact is, that there is a greater amount of life satisfaction among the married than single people. And it IS evidence that marriage does INDEED contribute to fulfillment. Our very human nature SEEKS relational bonds and a strong connection to others. And marriage can be truly be the greatest fulfillment for that need.
I will end with these wise words (from another favorite movie: Princess Bride): "Mawwige is whut bwings us togevveh today." So if you're hearing those wedding bells in the near future, feel free to take hold of some of these lil insights ;)
Sources:
http://marriage.about.com/od/lifestylechoices/Different_Types_of_Marriages.htm
http://www.getmarried.com
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